[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.