[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.