In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Worth a try
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons