In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
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Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.