“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender