In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
You Might Also Like
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.