In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first