In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.