@StuForReal

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

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@HonestlyJon

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

@ThatMummyLife

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

@daemonic3

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

@KeanuWithClips

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

@david8hughes

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

@NewOgdenport

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@Canaffle

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

@T_N_Crumpets

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]