In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
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I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers