In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I’m giving up ice.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
When you’ve simply given up.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi