[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
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Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.