@GuyThe_Guy

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

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@ValeeGrrl

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

@briancthayer

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

@Swishergirl24

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

@TheAlexNevil

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

@david8hughes

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

@WilliamAder

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

@AnOrangeSNES

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

@Shade510

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.