In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

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Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.


[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*


Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead


Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.


[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.


Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.


*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?


Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing


Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.