Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
You Might Also Like
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.
[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong
Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.