In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
road rage
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO