In Medieval times, people used antimony as a π³π¦πΆπ΄π’π£ππ¦ laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Iβve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or Iβm about to be murdered
β« Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo β«
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Iβm that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now weβre all in trouble.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no itβs not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so youβd stop complaining about the stubble.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Iβm writing Spider Maβam, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesnβt freaking need this.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
A 5-year-old just asked me if Iβd ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said βHey guys, letβs get this custard drunk!β
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, itβs a mirror.
I put a complaint box in the break roomβ¦ everyone thinks HR put it thereβ¦ now I know all the crap people are saying about meβ¦
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife βSorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !β
Never forget when I saw CHILDβS PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people