[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Yup.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.