In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.