In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.