in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.