In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
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Expectations vs. Reality
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Does it…does it take 3 days
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life