In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Said the murderer.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.