In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)