In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
#SCOTUS one-star review
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”