In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
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The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I’m not wrong
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.