In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
You Might Also Like
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
fair
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me