In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”