In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Sniffing the broccoli
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
the composer
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names