In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Stick it to the man
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer