HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor
[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait
911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”