@Manda_like_wine

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

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@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

@tinynietzsche

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

@envydatropic

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

@TheAlexNevil

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

@robdelaney

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

@DaddyJew

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

@EndhooS

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again