In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
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I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.