@dlockw21

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

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@isabelzawtun

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

@sarahlwalks

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

@Marlebean

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

@Kyle_Lippert

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

@NickBossRoss

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

@threetimedaddy

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

@theguywitheyes

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost