In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Lube but for my dry humor.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Tear gas is the saddest gas.