In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
real
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids