‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
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“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Bread puns are on the rise!
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I thought this was funny lol
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
twitter is a journey
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.