In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev