In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.