In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit