In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
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i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.