In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
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If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.