…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.