In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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Webb. James Webb.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted