In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
no one likes gloating
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?