In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans