“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one