In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.