In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver


PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?


“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.


My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”


I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace


Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.


Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”


Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.


I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.


I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but