In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.