In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me too 😆
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Why is this me 😫
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy