In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
You Might Also Like
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.