In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
😂😂😂
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is