In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
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DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I think my mom just blocked me
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.