In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
When someone says you are so lazy
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5