In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
No. He’s not coming out to play
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.