In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
But I really needed water water water
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?